RECOVERY FROM LOW SELF-ESTEEM
What is healthy self-esteem?
When we have healthy levels of self-esteem we are naturally and comfortably being and honouring our True Self. Our True Self is who we truly are - our unique being that distinguishes us from all others. It is our true and natural state, and our wellspring of well-being. In this state we intrinsically know we are of equal worth to everybody else.
Unfortunately, however, many of us, to varying degrees, are not naturally and comfortably being and honouring our True Self because we are suffering from low self-esteem.
What is low self-esteem and what causes it?
Low self-esteem usually has its origins in our formative years. The process starts when other people who are important to us (including our society/culture) intentionally or unintentionally reject, shame, ridicule, neglect, abandon, or abuse aspects of our True Self. This is a very painful experience for us and makes us believe that those aspects of our True Self aren’t worthy of being in the world, and so we end up hiding them. We are at particular risk of this in our formative years because at that time we are literally dependent on many of the important people in our lives (e.g. our parents, care givers, school friends) for our sense of safety and survival. Yet we are at risk at any age, especially if the rejection, shame, ridicule, neglect, abandonment, abuse we are exposed to is significant/persistent enough - examples include domestic abuse, cult abuse, repeated stigma and discrimination, and being repeatedly exposed to societal media/social media conditions of worth, such as unrealistic standards of physical beauty.
When we hide aspects of our True Self, we replace them with false self manifestations we believe ARE worthy of being in the world (e.g. which won’t be rejected, shamed, ridiculed, neglected, abandoned, abused by the important people in our lives or our society/culture). Although each false self manifestation is created by us to help us survive in the world, each ultimately ends up sabotaging our life. It does this for two key reasons. Firstly, it robs us of the riches of our True Self. Thus, rather than experiencing the empowerment, growth, vitality, aliveness, and wholeness we get from living through all aspects of our True Self, to varying degrees, we feel stuck, stagnated, and empty, and, consequently, low, depressed and sometimes distressed. Secondly, each false manifestation is ultimately afraid. Afraid that if it ceases to exist, our True Self will once again be exposed to the unbearable pain of being rejected, shamed, ridiculed, neglected, abandoned, abused. Each is consequently deeply compelled to stay alive by engaging in repetitive compulsive behaviours (thoughts and actions) focused on appeasing, pleasing, impressing and/or controlling others. Given these behaviours are entirely focused on others, they are aptly referred to as co-dependent behaviours.
Examples of false self manifestations and their co-dependent behaviours:
It may not always be obvious to us that we are suffering from low self-esteem. This is because low self-esteem often remains hidden beneath compulsive co-dependent behaviours. However, at times in our life when we are forced to step out of our comfort zone and are therefore no longer able to engage in our usual compulsive co-dependent behaviours, we may start to become aware of underlying low self-esteem. However, even if our low self-esteem is completely hidden out of our awareness, the behaviours (thinking and acting) we engage in as a result can make our life unmanageable, leading us to seek help to make sense of what we are going through and recover.
If you would like to see a comprehensive list of codependent behaviours that indicate underlying low self-esteem, visit the Co-dependents Anonymous (CODA) website. CODA 12-step fellowship recovery groups also run across the country, which can assist with your recovery from low self-esteem.
© Amanda Morgan
When we have healthy levels of self-esteem we are naturally and comfortably being and honouring our True Self. Our True Self is who we truly are - our unique being that distinguishes us from all others. It is our true and natural state, and our wellspring of well-being. In this state we intrinsically know we are of equal worth to everybody else.
Unfortunately, however, many of us, to varying degrees, are not naturally and comfortably being and honouring our True Self because we are suffering from low self-esteem.
What is low self-esteem and what causes it?
Low self-esteem usually has its origins in our formative years. The process starts when other people who are important to us (including our society/culture) intentionally or unintentionally reject, shame, ridicule, neglect, abandon, or abuse aspects of our True Self. This is a very painful experience for us and makes us believe that those aspects of our True Self aren’t worthy of being in the world, and so we end up hiding them. We are at particular risk of this in our formative years because at that time we are literally dependent on many of the important people in our lives (e.g. our parents, care givers, school friends) for our sense of safety and survival. Yet we are at risk at any age, especially if the rejection, shame, ridicule, neglect, abandonment, abuse we are exposed to is significant/persistent enough - examples include domestic abuse, cult abuse, repeated stigma and discrimination, and being repeatedly exposed to societal media/social media conditions of worth, such as unrealistic standards of physical beauty.
When we hide aspects of our True Self, we replace them with false self manifestations we believe ARE worthy of being in the world (e.g. which won’t be rejected, shamed, ridiculed, neglected, abandoned, abused by the important people in our lives or our society/culture). Although each false self manifestation is created by us to help us survive in the world, each ultimately ends up sabotaging our life. It does this for two key reasons. Firstly, it robs us of the riches of our True Self. Thus, rather than experiencing the empowerment, growth, vitality, aliveness, and wholeness we get from living through all aspects of our True Self, to varying degrees, we feel stuck, stagnated, and empty, and, consequently, low, depressed and sometimes distressed. Secondly, each false manifestation is ultimately afraid. Afraid that if it ceases to exist, our True Self will once again be exposed to the unbearable pain of being rejected, shamed, ridiculed, neglected, abandoned, abused. Each is consequently deeply compelled to stay alive by engaging in repetitive compulsive behaviours (thoughts and actions) focused on appeasing, pleasing, impressing and/or controlling others. Given these behaviours are entirely focused on others, they are aptly referred to as co-dependent behaviours.
Examples of false self manifestations and their co-dependent behaviours:
- People Pleasers compulsively appease and please others and find it almost impossible to say 'no'. They engage in these behaviours to control other peoples' feelings towards them in a desperate attempt to be liked and not rejected or abandoned. They lose their identity in others and neglect their True Self, which can cause low mood/depression, anxiety and distress. They are also prone to suffering burn-out and nervous exhaustion.
- Rescuers and Fixers compulsively rescue, fix or help others. They use these behaviours to feel good and avoid the reality of their own low self-esteem. They also lose their identity in others, neglect their True Self, and often suffer burn-out and nervous exhaustion. If they try to rescue and fix those who ultimately need to rescue and fix themselves they take the role of Enabler - e.g. they enable others to avoid owning and overcoming their problems. Consequently, Rescuers and Fixers may think they are helping others when they might actually be hindering others.
- Perfectionists and Overachievers are driven by the need to be a 'person of worth' and have a fear of failure or making mistakes. There is a fine line between wanting to do one’s best and learning from mistakes, and an unhealthy preoccupation with perfection and achievement to one’s own detriment. They too neglect their True Self and offer suffer burn-out and nervous exhaustion.
- Inadequate Ones believe they are less than others. Their low self-esteem is usually obvious to them, as well as others. They can feel imperfect, incomplete, inadequate, not good enough, bad, rotten, flawed, unlovable and ashamed. They will likely avoid certain types of intimacy (e.g. social, intellectual, emotional, physical and sexual) because they don't feel 'worthy enough'. This blocks their True Self from knowing and expressing itself, causing low mood, depression, distress and anxiety. They will likely have been brought up around significant others who abused and/or neglected and criticised their True Self.
- Arrogant or Grandiose Ones need to give the impression they are 'better/more than' others. They compulsively need to create an air of greater self-importance around others by impressing them and also criticising/putting others down around them to make them believe they are 'less than' so they can measure up better against them. They will likely have been brought up around significant others who were also arrogant or grandiose, declaring that 'this type of person is better than this type of person' and that 'and we are the better type of person because we do this and that'. They have hidden the aspects of their True Self they don't believe are worthy of being in the world, and replaced them with their arrogant or grandiose false self. Deep down, they have insecurities and low self-esteem just like Inadequate Ones.
It may not always be obvious to us that we are suffering from low self-esteem. This is because low self-esteem often remains hidden beneath compulsive co-dependent behaviours. However, at times in our life when we are forced to step out of our comfort zone and are therefore no longer able to engage in our usual compulsive co-dependent behaviours, we may start to become aware of underlying low self-esteem. However, even if our low self-esteem is completely hidden out of our awareness, the behaviours (thinking and acting) we engage in as a result can make our life unmanageable, leading us to seek help to make sense of what we are going through and recover.
If you would like to see a comprehensive list of codependent behaviours that indicate underlying low self-esteem, visit the Co-dependents Anonymous (CODA) website. CODA 12-step fellowship recovery groups also run across the country, which can assist with your recovery from low self-esteem.
© Amanda Morgan